(Is A Dumb Concept)
Wouldn't it be great if this was the best blog post I ever wrote?
Since we're getting hypothetical, what would that even look like?
For me, it would have to be something that acknowledges all the fear and anxiety and depression we’re all feeling, you know, as the world caves in on itself. Something that says, "I've noticed the deepest problems of humanity have broken us along fault lines we didn't know we had." Is everyone else stuck looking at the cracked bits and pieces of themselves and wondering how to Kintsugi them back into something worth salvaging? Just me?
I’d love to write something that could help everyone who might read it understand:
You are always moving toward love.
You are learning to stretch your compassion.
You are an irreplaceable part of this.
The love and acceptance you need, the challenges you must overcome, the destiny you’re here to fulfill… it’s all unique to you, like a fingerprint.
That’s why no one else can do your life for you.
And no one else can live my life but me.
That's why each of us has to do the work to figure out what to let go of and what to plunge into with a full heart and open mind. Everyone has to figure out their personal definition of joy and their personal definition of bullshit.
I think a lack of this crucial understanding is why big convictions and popular opinions are so addictive and destructive right now. We can't force other people to live the way we want them to, but we sure wanna try.
We think we have to weigh in on every human flaw and uprising and conspiracy even though none of us really know anything (except in relation to our own subjective experience). What we're actually tasked with is sitting in the not-knowing and figuring out how it applies to our individual journeys. For example: Jeff Bezos' stupid rocket to Mars triggers my lack mentality, which probably means it's time to look at the ol' budget again or look for a new income source. It also reminds me of the dick measuring contest that is the Patriarchy, which reminds me to be grateful that I'm a woman and can access pure love and joyful spiritual sustenance just by tapping the ocean of it that runs through me, without having to build a giant dick and land it on Mars. Maybe it's also a reminder to buy my next book from Good Reads or some indie used bookstore for $2 more than it would be on Amazon. You know what it's definitely not time to do? Go down a Youtube rabbit hole of Bezos-hatred and conspiracy theories while eating a pizza from Whole Foods and feeling hopeless about all life on earth... but hey, at the end of the day, that's just me.
Most of us don't sit in the not-knowing, and, instead of applying our uncomfortable feelings to a next-right-action in our own lives, we posture on the next-right-action for the entire country, or city, or world, within which we can only be truly informed about one (1) person's experiences, needs, and conclusions. Perfect. Now we're imploding at the temples trying to push our subjective opinion on everyone we know and scorn all the opinions that scare us the most. We’re spending hours judging everyone we perceive to be “worse” than us. Why? Because we’re scared of how our own paths might be judged? Because righteously hating those we perceive as bad gives us some nice, temporary dopamine? Staves off the depression? Makes us feel like our mom/dad/teacher/friends would be proud? I'm not mocking any potential answer. I kind of just want to know. How did we get on this train?
Post 2020 Life: Simple. Everyone's life now involves acknowledging how many problems the world has, acknowledging how we're all complicit in those problems, and learning, slowly, to be more compassionate/solution-oriented and less judgmental/blame seeking. All while forces far outside our control shake the foundations of our lives: sickness, earthquakes, fires, storms, the Taliban, Big Media, tech algorithms, corporate manipulation, addictions, corruption, unemployment, depression, anxiety, FOMO et al. Is it any wonder there are so many family feuds, toxic comments, extreme political movements, and personal breakdowns all over our lives and feeds?
I know that tragic, bad news about "tragic", "bad people" is more popular. Sells more stuff. Gets into our psyches more forcefully. I know controversial opinions and actions are more clicked on and pondered. So, don't worry. I have some "controversial" opinions up my sleeve. Sometimes you will hear them on this blog. Here's a preview.
My Controversial Fucking Opinions
(Skip 'em if you don't need any more fucking opinions right now)
Eating healthy/taking care of yourself/loving yourself is an act of rebellion.
It's my favorite "Fuck You" to big pharma, corrupt medical institutions, junk food/drink corporations, and everyone else who aims to keep people sick/unhappy for profit. I will eat fucking veggies and forgive myself and gently reiki myself to sleep and no one can say shit to me.
Blackness, Brownness, Queerness, and all Minority-ness is better LIFTED than oppressed.
Better celebrated than resented, better positively acknowledged than ignored, Not just better for "them". Better. For everyone. When we include everyone in the "deserves to be happy and healthy" category, we naturally expand happiness and health in the world. Acknowledging and using our privilege for good is a lot harder than it sounds on Instagram.
Capitalism is really fucking up lives.
I only just found out--this sweet little optimistic worker bee was trained in consumerism, obedience and white supremacy through public school and mass media since practically birth. Up until pretty recently I didn't know my charmed, half-white existence was half privileged, half oppressed, and all ignorant. I am slowly working my way through the facts and the overwhelm that accompanies them. And I plan to join the ranks of savvy middle class millennials who want to promote better values and smaller, more transparent businesses.
Vaxxed or anti-vaxx, people technically get to make their own decisions, fight their own battles, learn their own lessons.
We can't drive ourselves insane trying to control other people's decisions. At least I can't. Personally, I feel great about getting my little Moderna double poke, and lucky to have had access to it in organized and efficient fashion. I'm not gonna yell at anyone who feels great about not getting it. I respect people who require it for work/entry and people who don't. The QAnoners drive me the most crazy but again, it's out of my control. Those fuckers don't get to ruin my day. I work hard to have good days. COVID is real. My mom and stepdad had it. My nextdoor neighbor and my friend's father both died from it. My boyfriend still has no sense of smell (it's been 8 months since he had it). Vaxxed or not vaxxed, please stay careful and communicative. Wherever you stand, I wish you health, and ease, and love, and all the highest blessings and lessons that life can hold. Even you QAnon fucks.
Everything and everyone is Love.
You interpret that however you want to: in the neuroscientific or the philosophical way, in the metaphysical or the Jesus-y way. However that jives down in your beating heart, I want you to hold it and play with it. And when the inevitable "How can _____ (Donald J Trump, Hitler, Alexander the Terrible, R. Kelly, Britney Spears' dad, or your shady uncle) just BE Love?" and "How can so much hurt and suffering exist if love is at the root of everything?" questions pop into your mind, see what answers you come up with. And just roll with those answers until you receive new experiences or information that fills in the gaps. The point is, you don't have to have the perfect answer to all suffering right now. That's probably more of a thing you access when you're finished with life. Right now, you have life to live. Expectations to shatter. Systems to upheave. Loving to do.
I didn't just make this my credo and hang it on the wall. I fucking felt it. I still feel it. I feel it in breath. I feel it when I wake up. I feel it outside. I feel it in the joy and pain of the people around me. I am Love and you are Love, poured into a unique and totally weird physical experience. Every day we learn more about our true selves and our purpose. We experience love as enlightenment, as deep work, as slow acceptance, as fear, as mushy, gooey sex (if we want), as joy, and even as pain and lack. But it's all love. That's my quintessential controversial opinion.
How It's Going For Me (If it Helps You to Know)
I was a pretty Healthy and Happy-Go-Lucky Bitch before 2020. I had my share of rejections, missed opportunities, and moments I was not too proud of (a couple of tantrums, a little gossip, a few laughs at someone else's expense, and some sex stuff I'm not gonna get specific about, at least not today). And there was the divorce, of course, which was a defining growth moment of my adult life and also a deep source of complex shame and madness. But I knew I was lucky. I knew I was grateful. I knew I was here to grow and be kind. I always smiled when the moment allowed it. I always came back to love and tried to be of service.
Like literally every other person in the world (I don't know about y'all but that is still sinking in for me), 2020 made me face a lot of shit.
Shit That 2020 Made Me Face
(Skip this part if you just wanna deal with your own shit right now. Respect.)
I am empathic as fuck.
My empathy level is basically infinite. Your hopes, dreams, and pains are not just thoughts in my mind--they are feelings that wash through me like a psychic sieve. Empathy has paid off for me. I have incredibly loving and accepting people in my life. I have some graceful stories of holding down light and making tired, sad, worried people feel better about themselves. I have filled much of my life with big and small moments of joy and betterment. But when all the death and uncertainty and confinement of 2020 swooped down, and when I was already burnt out trying to fulfill other people's expectations of me, that "limitless" empathy was unproductive at best, paralyzing and prone to suicidal thoughts at worst. Maybe my empathy has no limit, but my physical body, mental health, emotions, time, and monetary resources do have limits. Constantly trying to solve the world by feeling every part of it is just not as helpful as I once thought it was. It's too all-consuming and not the whole story of who I'm here to be.
I have caused trauma to others, and to myself.
As much as I thought I could and should strive to be perfect, I fucked up a lot. People I loved got hurt. People I didn't know who didn't deserve to got hurt. I got hurt. Trauma doesn't just get bunched down like a wedgie you can kind of ignore. It gets worse and worse, the longer you let it fester, until there's no way out but through. For this, I am deep in constant processing and work. For this, I am holding space.
I have a ribbon of jealousy.
Maybe it comes from my upbringing in competitive dance. Perhaps it blossomed when my baby brother was born, or when I received my first report card, saw the first commercial for a toy I wanted, or read my first teen magazine. However it came about, a desire for positive attention and deep jealousy of those I perceive to have more of it exists in my chest like an ignition, and all it takes is a beautiful blonde babe or an announcement of a minor accomplishment on Instagram to turn the key. Luckily, I am both honoring this as a typical human being and gently growing out of it without force. It's there, though. Sorry if you're blonde and I made it awkward. Old traumas. Best of intentions.
There is value in pain.
It's called growth.
Silence and breath are extremely useful.
A little breath work and a little quiet will always bring me somewhat back to myself. Turn off the notifications and the noise, breathe deep, and let that shit go.
Creativity is a slippery bitch.
The unstoppable tide of creativity can be my greatest source of joy and fulfillment, but the things I create can quickly become sour and overwhelming when I try to monetize them. I think you have to make art for art's sake, and I also think you have to treat your art like a job you clock in for. Also it probably helps to not compare yourself to the world's most successful artists all the time. I'll let you know when I figure out how...
I have to learn self-confidence without the applause.
I might seem chill and grounded to a lot of people, but I am also a Type A bitch, a straight A student, and a person who has performed on stage and screen for money and medals since I was small. I crave applause more than sugar. And that sometimes stops me from doing or making anything at all. Which stops me from getting better at the things I wanna do, which cuts off the applause altogether. Breaking that cycle means putting out imperfect work that no one will probably ever care about. So, I'm now trying to get an 'A' in Not Giving A Fuck. It's tenuous at best right now.
I am a Tiny, Sweet Baby being held up by cosmic angels on other planes of existence, & I am also an Infinite, All-Knowing Goddess Mother attempting to be contained in the skin of a mortal human woman.
I know it sounds like a bit much, but it's just a feeling I can't shake. A dreamy mindscape that I enter daily that actually serves me well. It's a better paradigm than "I am Worthless and What's the Point Anyway". Trust me, I've done the research.
Death is a fact.
Nothing is permanent and that's OK. If I die tomorrow, every moment of my life was worth it. Every mistake I made or didn't make was exactly right. I left a lot of love in my wake, imperfectly and with decent intentions. Give my plants and books away to people who will care for them. Picture me immensely enjoying my "big sleep". Sleep is the best.
Indecision is not sustainable.
Decisions are unavoidable. When I avoid making them, other people make them for me and I get swept up in a life I didn't choose. But the good news is, I get to decide who I am and what I’m here to do, and I’ve decided: I am LOVE, and I’m here to do LOVE. No, I don’t always understand what that means or entails. I just know it’s my fucking north star, and no matter what I seem to do or how imperfectly my life seems to unfold, every moment leads back to it in the end. So, fuck it. That’s me. That’s why I’m here. Even when my TikToks and IG posts seem lame. Even when I fail to text you back. Even when I’m sleep deprived, numb, baked around the wrong people, emotional to the point that it’s unnecessarily dramatic, or unkind in another’s eyes. I know who I am, Bitch. I am LOVE.
When Will This Blog Be Over?
2020 made everyone face all of their own shit.
2021 feels even more ruthless. It seems to me to be shedding even harsher light on it all.
I once thought I could write or dance or direct something so powerful it could make all of this shit easier to face, no matter who was reading or watching. The best thing I ever made. Basic ego shit. We all do it.
I’m starting to understand that there is no all-encompassing “BEST THING”/“BEST WAY”. Even if love is the answer, the threads of love woven through each of us look and sound different from everyone else. I don’t need the same intimacy, challenges, or words of encouragement as my brother, or Mitch McConnell, or even my former self. And you don’t always need the same intimacy, challenges, and words of encouragement as me.
Which is why everything I write can only be the best thing I could write for me in that moment, and nothing I write is guaranteed be the best (or even worthwhile on a basic level) thing for any of you. And, (exhale), that’s really OK. "The Best Thing I Ever Wrote" is a dumb concept anyway. Our best work often gets judged long after we're gone. I say this even though this is my 5th draft of this fucking blog. We don't always fully embody the lessons we preach. I pretty much never do.
If my words jive with the real you (your own brand of LOVE), you can expect to see a lot more of them in the coming weeks/months/years. If they don’t, I don’t think either of us should worry about it. Let’s just face the sun and deal with our own shit.
Please do reach out to me via any channel you like (email, website, IG, TikTok, Facebook, text, Youtube comment, package with free shit...anything) if you want to talk about life or give suggestions/feedback/overwhelming applause.
Cool. Thank you. Thanks for reading to the end like a straight A fucking student.