Why Am I Broke & Making TikToks?


I made 20 TikToks last month.


I could have been putting in full time hours at a restaurant, but my body basically said, "No."

I could have been writing scripts or choreographing respectable dance pieces, but honestly I'm way too self sabotagey for that.

I could have been hunting for PA jobs on set or in the writing industry. There's fear there but also an intuition that every entry level job is sort of bullshit right now.


Instead, I made TikToks.


Not because I have a master plan to dominate a certain demographic, or to build awareness for my fleshed out "brand". Not because there might be financial gain down the line. Not because I'm craving fame or trying to go viral.


I am making TikToks because it brings me joy.

There, I said it. Fuck me, right?

I am having fucking fun.

I am creating a system of creatively distributing my message: that everyone deserves love, that self care is important, that self acceptance is harder and more fulfilling than any other goal. And I am enjoying myself. I'm also just following the creativity and the joy of it, instead of worrying about the outcome FOR FUCKING ONCE. And boy, is that ever a nice change.


And something else is happening.


The more I focus on my own joy and creative fulfillment, through this fairly approachable and wide open medium, the more I begin to understand who I am and what I'm here to do.


The more I let go of the results and just focus on what I truly want to create, the more energized I feel to keep going.


The more I open up to these creative moments and ideas, the more ideas tend to strike with just the right timing. Suddenly I'm efficiently filming and editing 2-3 little videos per day. And I'm accomplishing things I didn't think I was capable of, and I'm normalizing curiosity and silliness in my everyday, which both the world and I desperately need.


And, for some reason, I'm not wallowing in the stuckness of being slightly behind on my bills. I'm prioritizing my joy and working when I can. I'm actually looking out and around at the present world around me, seeing things to be grateful for. I'm cultivating patience with the long process of aligning mental health with long term financial wellness. I'm still dipping into worry and frustration a few times a day. I'm not a robot. My responsibilities and goals are expanding, not shrinking, on this journey to prioritize joy, and unfortunately, I still have to be an adult in this fucked up world.

But, you know what?


All around me are little signs that I'm doing just fine.

Fluffy dogs. Freshly minted books. Healthy plants. Sunsets that leave me wordless. Kind exchanges with strangers. Messages from old friends. Smiles with myself in the mirror. Poetry flowing from my fingertips. Cute hand-me-down outfits. Frothy coffees. Unexpected gigs. Laughs with people I love. Pocket clues that I really am worthy and not just telling myself that I am. The feeling that I am solid in the chaos.


I'm not fully throwing caution to the wind. There are work and financial opportunities swirling around both Shane and I, and restaurants will always keep me afloat (I'm just really good at smiling and talking about food and carrying three plates at once, what can I say?)


I'm just... being patient for once. I'm picking up gratitude and turning it over in my palms at least once a day. I'm zooming out from the entire progression of my life and, instead of seeing all the unchecked boxes and ways I'm bound to fail, I'm seeing something different.


And that's really the notion behind all the fucking TikToks. That creative joy is worth pursuing. That putting in patience and self acceptance starts paying off long before you reach indisputable success or any of the specific accomplishments you set out to achieve.


I wouldn't expect TikTok to be everyone's answer. But I would encourage you to find an equivalent that makes a little bit of joy more efficient for your days. And I will say that, in my experience, that answer isn't always obvious and is OK to take a little time to find.


Follow me or don't. I'm already getting the joy I set out for. :)